I was almost in a car accident today.
I followed this white pickup down highway 160 in Colorado. Directly behind him he attempted a U-turn. No real concern for alerting others, just whip this bad boy around.
Then I saw the incoming white pickup from the opposite side. It swerved to try to avoid. It didn’t succeed. The U-ing got the brunt of the damage as he hit the incoming pickup with his front right side bumper.
The U-turn pickup turned about 50 degrees. Frightening it should be.
And I felt no shock. No adrenal rush at all.
I know that is what society tells me I should feel. The other witness directly behind me told me all those feelings. Previously tired, now wide awake.
For me though, all I have come to realise is what actions I should to take. Pull out phone, call 911, report the incident, wait for the highway patrol, make a statement and be gone.
This Indian looking witness driving behind me told me he was afraid of what others are capable of. This was like a major
event in his life.
This seems to be theme in my life compared to others.
For me, I had no control over the events, so I felt very little. Things outside of my control I care little for. Others wear their emotions on their sleeves based upon extrinsic environs.
If I cannot control the events, then why bother thinking about them?
I see, I hear, I discern and I immediately react.
Others have called me weird. I have done some weird things. Many times just to see how others react. Say preposterous perverse words. Act upon outrageous instincts. And in the end, how others react matters very little.
When they do react, their reaction no longer bothers me.
Because I have lived and I realise that my life does not matter all that much.
This is not a defeatist attitude. This is a liberating feeling.
From dust we came, from dust we will return. All I can do is make this experience a little better for myself and those around myself.
Wisdom is not found in some book. It is living a life you want to live. Despite all the pitfalls, despite what others think of you, despite what society tells you to react to.
Live life with what you respect and honour. The rest is just fluff.
In looking at land, there are many questions to answer before making an offer. Start with the most important questions (Can I build on the lot and use the lot as planned?) so you can quickly weed out parcels that will not meet your needs. If you are working with a real estate agent, start with him or her. However, important questions should also be put to the proper authority or professional – such as town officials regarding permits, setbacks, zoning rules, and on-site sewage. If answers seem vague or merely an opinion (“As far as I know, you should be able to put a three bedroom on that parcel” or “I don’t see why you couldn’t subdivide”), find out who the controlling authority is and schedule an appointment.
When issues remain murky, get a second opinion. If at all possible, get a public official’s opinion in writing. (I had the head of a town Health Department put in writing that by purchasing a 1/3 acre lot contiguous to my own, I would be able to upgrade from a three to –four-bedroom septic system.) In real estate, only written communications have any legal validity.
In many cases, you will not know everything about a parcel before bidding. For one thing, you do not want to spend any money on investigations before your bid is accepted. The remaining unknowns should be added to your bid offer as contingencies and investigated only if the bid is accepted.
QUESTIONS FOR THE SELLER OR SELLER’S AGENT
While you cannot absolutely rely on the seller or their agent for this information, it’s a good place to start and, in most cases, you will get accurate information TO THE BEST OF THEIR KNOWLEDGE. Most of these questions appear in other sections as well, where you can get a more authoritative answer.
Is the lot buildable?
Are there any liens, rights-of-way, easements, covenants, or other deed restrictions or encroachments on the property?
What other construction is planned or possible on the surrounding land?
Are there any protective covenants?
Are there any common facilities (water, septic, road, etc.), or common property that the homeowners or developer will need to manage. How will this be handled?’
Will there be a homeowners association and fees?
Are any portions of the parcel designated as wetlands or floodplain?
Does the site have access to electrical power, natural gas, town water or sewer?
Is there potable water on the site? What flow rate and water quality?
Has as a perc test been completed? A septic design designed? Conventional or
Are the boundaries clearly and accurately marked?
QUESTIONS FOR THE BUILDING, PLANNING AND ZONING, AND HEALTH DEPARTMENTS
If the sellers or agent’s answers sound acceptable, and you are pretty serious about the parcel, your next stop should be the town or county offices of the Building, Planning & Zoning (zoning questions), and Health Departments (water and sewer questions). Some issues may be handled by Building or Zoning, depending on the town.
Is the lot buildable?
How many bedrooms are allowed?
What are the setback requirements for houses, porches, decks, outbuildings, or anything else you plan to build?
Can I locate the building on the lot where I want to?
Is there adequate road frontage or a suitable right-of-way for building?
Is the road publicly maintained?
Are there restrictions on house size, height, lot coverage, or other restrictions.
What permits and fees are required and what are the costs? building, electrical, plumbing, porch, patio, well, septic, driveway?
Are there impact fees or special assessments? What is the cost?
Zoning and Planning Department
What is the property’s zoning district? Does your house and other uses you have planned, such as an in-home business, duplex, guest cottage, chicken coop, etc., comply with the zoning?
Are you in a Special Zoning District? Any wetlands or floodplain on the property?
Was the lot legally subdivided?
Can I subdivide the lot (if that’s part of your plan)?
What lot coverage is allowed, and how is it calculated? (This determines what percentage of the lot you can cover with structures. Some count decks, porches, and driveways as well)
Are there any restrictions due to wetlands, flood plains, water frontage, steep slopes, endangered species, historical or cultural sites, or other issues?
Any tree-cutting or land clearing restrictions?
Any other restrictions you should be aware of?
If town sewer service is available what is the total connection cost, including fees?
Is there a valid perc test on record (some expire in 2-3 years)? What type of septic system is permitted? For how may bedrooms?
Has a septic design been completed?
If the land is not perc tested, can they recommend names of companies authorized to perform the testing?
What tests are required (deep hole, perc) and what timee of year can a perc test be done in this jurisdiction?
Does the area where you are looking typically have trouble with high water tables for poor soils for septic systems? If so, what types of alternative systems are allowed?
Are there any known problems in the area with well yield or water quality? How deep are typical wells in the area?
QUESTIONS FOR THE UTILITY COMPANIES
You’ll need to find out what companies can provide electrical power, natural gas, and other utilities to the building site (ask the seller, agent, or a neighbor) In some cases, you’ll have more than one choice, but for budgeting purposes, the costs are likely to be very similar. Have your street address and parcel number handy when you contact them.
Also provide them with a site map showing the planned location of your home. It may make sense to talk to an electrician or plumbing before contacting the power or gas company to see if they can do some of the work for less money than the utility company.
Can your company provide power to my building site?
Will the lines run on poles or underground? What will be the total costs be to bring power to the home, including fees, trenching, and meter installation?
Will any trees or other obstructions need to removed to reach the home?
Can natural gas be brought to the home?
What will be the total cost to bring gas into the home, including fees, trenching, and meter?
What are your options for phone, cell phone, cable or satellite TV, and high-speed Internet?
How much can you save by combining multiple services from a single vendor (it also can simplify your life)?
What are the setup fees and monthly fees?
QUESTIONS FOR THE SEPTIC SYSTEM DESIGNER AND CONTRACTOR?
What type of system is the most economical and reliable?
If an alternative system is required, what are the options with pros and cons?
Where on the lot can the system be placed?
How much will it cost to install, including permitting?
QUESTIONS FOR THE WELL DRILLER
It’s good to speak to more than one driller. Also neighbors can be a good source of well info. Finally, check with your local health department and the Dept. of Environmental Protection to see if they are aware of any well water issues in your immediate or surrounding area. Although water tends to move slowly through the aquifer, a problem a couple of miles away, like leakage from a landfill, could become your problem a few years down the road.
How deep are neighboring wells?
What are flow rates and water quality of nearby wells?
What are costs to install the well (based on estimated depth)?
What are the labor and material costs to complete the well and plumb to the house? (including pump, trenching and backfill, plumbing, wiring, pressure tank)?
What water problems are common to the area, such as hardness, acidity, sulfur dioxide (rotten egg smell), other minerals such as iron, manganese, sodium (salt), magnesium, and copper. Any evidence of nitrates or other potentially hazardous materials?
What sorts of water treatment systems are commonly used in the area and what do they cost to install and maintain?
QUESTIONS FOR WATER TREATMENT PROVIDERS
Some water treatment issues need immediate attention. Others like hard or acidic water can be dealt with a few years later – or maybe never if the house is only used seasonally. If the water will need treatment, you should learn about the range of options and a rough estimate of costs. After a water test, any health-related questions need to be addressed and any offer should be contingent upon an adequate supply of potable water.
What water issues need to be treated for health reasons?
Which will affect smell, taste, staining, and other nuisances?
Which will harm or reduce the efficiency of plumbing and household equipment?
What treatment system do you recommend?
How many gallons per day of treated water can the system produce with your well’s flow rate?
Is the unit NSF-certified as a system (not just the individual components) to treat your specific water quality issue?
What is the initial cost and operating cost, including power, additives, filters, and other consumable parts?
What routine and long-term maintenance is required, and how long will the equipment last?
Does the company offer a service contract?
Are rental units available? How does the price compare with owning?
How reliable is the unit in the installer’s experience? What are common problems?
Is there a written warranty and what does it cover? What is not covered? Has the company honored warranty claims, in the installers experience.
QUESTIONS FOR YOUR LAWYER
Any question that remains murky after speaking with town the seller, agent, and town officials should be run by your lawyer, or the appropriate professional: engineer, well driller, septic system designer, etc. If the answer from you lawyer is “that will take some research,” get an estimate of how much it will cost to find the answer and decide whether it is worth it. Most questions about legal ownership and encroachments will be answered during the title search. Depending on the characteristics of the land and nature of the deal, questions might include?
Are water and mineral rights a concern in this area?
What should I add as contingencies to the bid offer?
How much time do I need to address these contingencies?
If bid is accepted
If title problems are found, how much time and money will it take to resolve them?
Will any variances be required to build what and where you like, and what is the likely outcome of applying for these variances?
Will I be getting a warranty deed for the property? If not, should I purchase owner’s title insurance?
QUESTIONS FOR YOURSELF AND FAMILY
Do you like the building site, the views, the sunlight, and breezes?
Have you considered the four seasons?
Is the site soggy or buggy in the springtime?
Have you visited the site different times os the day?
What changes are likely over the next several years: new roads, housing developments, strip malls? Are your views and peace and quiet likely to last?
Can you afford the land and development costs?
Do you like the neighborhood, schools, and property tax rates?
Distance to work, recreation, shopping, banking, medical care, etc.?
Any nuisances to be aware of, for example:
• noise from a an industrial site, gun club, nearby snowmobile trail, or airline flight path overhead
• smells from a pig farm, or silage spreading in the spring or fall
• chemicals from a golf course, agriculture, or an industrial site
I used to have a hard time saying no. And being direct about what I wanted.
I often found myself accommodating others, doing things I didn’t want to do. This would lead to lingering resentment, and if it persisted, an explosion of blame and victimization.
If I finally confronted someone the response was usually, “Well, why didn’t you say something?!”
It’s a good point. People are not mind readers, nor should we expect them to be.
Why didn’t I say something? What was stopping me from speaking my truth, stating clearly what I wanted or didn’t want?
For me, the explanation came when I read John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory and realized my pattern of self-denial started early in life.
Bowlby believes primate infants have an evolutionary instinct to form attachment bonds with their primary caregiver. Young children are vulnerable and helpless. Staying connected, in proximity, and in favor with their caregiver is paramount for survival.
But not all caregivers are the same. Children intuitively adapt to their circumstances, adopting and emphasizing behavior that facilitates attachment and eliminating behavior that threatens it.
Just as a tree bends to find the light, so do we shape ourselves to optimize our survival.
At twenty-seven, my mother was single with two young children, working as a waitress, and far away from the support of her family. I was a precocious, strong-willed child. I would scream if I wanted something and stubbornly refuse anything I didn’t want. There were times, overwhelmed, my mother just couldn’t handle me. She’d explode in anger, out of control. It was scary. And in those moments I felt the untenable threat of disconnection from her.
And so I adapted. I became a good boy, compliant, sensitive to her needs.
It worked. I found I could manage her moods and stay in her good graces, creating the safety and security I was longing for. And I was rewarded with love, praise, and attention.
The lesson I learned and internalized was that connection and love require me to prioritize the needs of others while denying my own.
This paradigm was the perfect strategy for the circumstances of my childhood, but when I carried it into my adult relationships, it was a disaster.
It wasn’t just that I was unable to ask for what I needed — a fundamental skill for healthy relationship s— it’s that I wouldn’t allow myself to know I even had needs! I’d buried them long ago, shaming them, denying they ever existed.
But they did exist, and the only way I knew to get them met was by taking care of others and hoping they’d return the favor — without me asking, of course. If they didn’t, or didn’t do it the way I wanted, I’d find a way to punish them for it.
It was a painful and frustrating cycle, leaving me unfulfilled, disconnected, and lonely.
It was only when I became conscious of my childhood conditioning that I began to unravel this pattern.
It started by acknowledging that it was okay to ask for what I wanted. That sounds simple, but to my inner child, expressing my needs was wrong and humiliating. It took time to reframe this perception; but with practice and awareness, I learned that being clear and direct, without demand, was a virtue. It empowered me, bringing more truth to my relationships, romantic or otherwise.
I also had to learn that it was okay to say no. As a child, asserting my boundaries risked reprisal. I projected that fear onto my adult relationships, unconsciously believing that my desire for personal agency was wrong, selfish, a threat to the relationship, and so not worth the cost.
This self-betrayal was the source of much suffering and confusion. I didn’t know how to be in relationship without abandoning myself. And so, of course, I avoided relationship.
I’m still learning to be clear and direct with my boundaries. Old habits die hard. But I’ve learned that I when I speak my truth, with integrity, it almost always leads to deeper connection and intimacy. People know where I stand, what I think, what’s okay and not okay for me. This builds safety and trust.
And if people do react negatively, that’s okay. Unlike the child, unable to feel the pain of disconnection, the adult can tolerate disapproval, disappointment, or loss, without the need to demonize the other.
None of this is easy, of course. Undoing our conditioning takes time, awareness, and patience. It’s work to change old patterns and establish a new skill. But once you do, you’ll feel the freedom and power of being in relationship and being all of who you are. And in doing so, you’ll give others permission do the same.
I have heard “There is nothing to do” so often from people living in remote areas. Yet, it really does not make sense when compared to the way people live in the city.
In actuality, the viable options are so far in the other direction that this is preposterous. If you believe that, you have been beguiled by some clever propaganda.
I will now list massively enjoyable activities that immediately pop in my head that you can do in a rural area that you absolutely cannot do in a city.
1) Cannot pee outside without the stress that you might get caught. You get caught in a rural area and you look and smile and laugh together.
2) Stop to smell the trees and flowers. You might have a few patches here or there, but never an open space with wild flowers that thrive. City people only get things that need constant care (also known as weak).
3) Shoot guns or throw knives. OMG ITS SO DANGEROUS! Take some chances with your life. Dangerous things are unbelievably fun.
4) Paint practically anything without a permit. Oh, you plan on beautifying your place. Well, here’s ten papers of beaurocratic nonsense that you got to fill out, wait for the committee of overpaid vipers decide if it is worth and pray that they approve it which probably will not happen without greasing some pockets. And all for something that would take 10 seconds to decide on in a rural environment.
5) Improve the landscape in any way. See item 4.
6) Have an easily accessible garden.
7) Drive faster than 20 mph at all hours of the day.
8) Play around in dirt.
9) Sing outside without that fear of ignominious stares glaring down upon you.
10) Look upon wildlife and appreciate their glorious existence.
11) Gaze upon the awe inspiring stars at night.
12) Cannot smoke in parks (FFS!) in NYC. All that bonding activity that happens between smokers, nope. Be a productive little scared being afraid of all dangerous activity shuttled from work to your little hovel!
13) Be alone outside. As Nietzsche said, “Any thought you cannot maintain while walking is not worth having.” Good luck clearing those pernicious thoughts out with all those constant distractions in a city.
Oh, but you can eat street food! And oh boy it’s good! Or you can drink great beer! As if extrinsic luxuries do anything but enervate your soul. The way to revivify yourself is by challenging yourself to achieve which is far more accessible in the countryside than in the city. Welding, metallurgy, gunsmithing, good luck doing that in a city.
And the women. What a shitty society we live in!
Men get in relationships with women who do not even cook for them any more. Sewing those clothes for your special other pretty much a dead art. That Benjamin Franklin effect whereby doing another a favour, the receiver of the favour is now looked upon more favourably. Gone. Vanished to never return until this terrible society crumbles.
That sense of pride of providing a worthwhile meal while looking at that hand sown garment that women used to greatly appreciate, now those activities are seen as beneath these “liberated” twats. No sense of pride in those relationships, just a continual interaction with a capricious cum bucket.
You truly lose your touch with reality living in a city. Your sense of reality, it’s gone. The only way to regain it in a city is to exceptionally well read (and no one reads anymore).
Those who are not well read
Are easily led
Asunder for another’s plunder
Living like a bunch of afraid sheep
Never to utter a hiss or even a peep
All the money is in the cities though so that gives people who live there this power complex. “I make x*y more than those schleps so that makes me better!” somehow that is how logic works. Or they get straight As in classes outside their actual intended purpose for schooling. Get all these pointless plaudits in dubious fields that enfeeble the mind (and once they work they don’t have the time to research all that tripe they now regurgitate). And then because someone with actual common sense or a modicum of doubt refutes their indoctrination, mind shut off because that would actually challenge what those experts told me was THE TRUTH! Get so many years of programming that they cannot ever question their ideological framework.
Funny how the folk
I have accrued the most from
Habe alles vorher verlorn und werden um ein neues Volk
One has to lose oneself to appreciate
Eine bessere Perspektive